Anyone that knows me, or has read anything I have written within these virtual pages can probably tell that I am not spiritual. In fact, I’ve always had a certain chip on my shoulder for those that are. I tell myself they must have had to fall hard in order to blindly follow a doctrine of religion; or they’re crazy.
I will never find myself in that position. There has always been a doubt in me that if I found myself in the darkest of places, I might not want to come out. I have often enjoyed dark places. That feeling of suffering has often filled me with energy. Provided me with insight to write, to draw, to entertain myself with thoughts. To go into the light meant to become less who I am.
The idea of following some words written thousands of years ago is ludicrous to me! To make a change of that magnitude, or even contemplate such a thing, would mean that I am truly broken beyond any earthly devices. I will never be there.
I was wrong. I am broken.
While recent events may have brought me to this fallen state, I have found that I have been falling since I was born. Kabbalah has put into words a theory of spirituality that I can understand and logically put into practice. Aside from any words (God, Creator, Satan) that initially put me ill at ease, I have opened myself up to them just the same. They are but words symbolically linked to what is inside each of us. The consequences of not opening myself up to the idea of self-enlightenment, are unconscionable, and of late very dangerous for me. I want to say I had no choice, but the fact is, I have always had the choice. I just kept choosing wrong.
These words that finally made sense to me placed the power of true fulfillment within me; only it has been out of my reach guarded viciously by my personal opponent. My ego. This idea, that you are your own worst enemy, is not new. If you are telling yourself you are worthless, incapable, the best, superior to others; if you find yourself in a position great or small that allows thoughts of self-destruction to completely overwhelm you – Then your opponent is locked in. Your enemy has wrapped itself around you and it is feasting; growing bigger and stronger. I have found that imagery to be helpful.
To imagine a parasite of magnificent proportion sucking the life right out of me. All I have to do is recognize it exists, determine what it needs to live and deny it that thing. Have a bad thought; my opponent is chewing. Over zealous imaginings; my opponent is swallowing. Reacting to a situation with anger; my opponent is smacking its lips. My enemy has been winning. We all have this enemy: Ego. Hatred, anger, control, judgement and pride are all extensions of that ego.
I’ve always known I had a big ego. Not the kind that makes me feel self-confident and powerful so much as a deep belief of entitlement. I deserve; I expect; I want; I need; all a desire for one’s self alone. I have kids and I do understand how to be selfless. I take care of them. The best I can? Not yet. Sure, we can all do better. We can all beat ourselves up (our enemy loves that). To have selfless tendencies is like trying not to be selfish. Trying is simply accepting the probability of failure. There is no try, there is only do. Give up on trying. This is my new mantra: Stop trying. Commit to doing.
Failure is no longer an option. No matter how many times my ego has knocked me down, I have always gotten up. The difference this time is, I’m getting up with a sharp rock in one hand and the light in the other!