Deep dramatic disappointments depend on dynamic and detailed decisions directed deliberately.
Often times, decisions are made based on current or past understandings. If the decision is poorly made, one must ask, “Why?” Where was the current or past information used to make the decision inaccurate? What made this information seem valid? When upon further scrutiny in the future, it becomes all too obvious that the information the decision was based on was badly flawed.
Only once the poor decision is made, rarely is there an opportunity to make the results from that decision better. I say rarely, but more likely never. I have made so many poor decisions in my life that I have to ask myself, “Why, where have I been?” Every decision made in my life seems to be lined with fault. In some cases barely noticeable, but nevertheless, there and dirty with inaccuracies.
I could counter that with, “But there have also been good decisions.” But in all actuality, there have not. While, the most important thing in my nearly pitiful life is my wife, I wonder where my children fit in at the moment. Aside from them, I must state that even the decision to marry and be with her, very well may have been the biggest mistake. I have not just ruined my life with being completely unaware of the wonder and beauty that I have been so very privileged to have, more importantly, I have ruined the life of the woman that is my wife.
The physical and mental torture I have inflicted upon her are just short of monstrous. While I have never laid a finger on her in anger, nor found love with another, I have nevertheless neglected her. I have taken a miraculous flower and failed to water, feed or nurture it. I have taken so much of her for granted that she very nearly broke our vows simply to escape. While this combined with an all too common plea for change has awakened me to the realities of my ineptitude, I must now ponder the myriad of bad decisions I have made in my life.
This is what I must do every day. While I sit in wonder at the beauty that is my wife, while I caress her and stare, I must also know that this awakening is not the end. My eyes, while open, are seeing myself through her eyes. While I hold her and tell her how sorry I am for not being where I was needed I have to not let go of her when she tries to push me away. While I see that she can still love me, I must not deviate from the plain and simple fact that she sits there before me, a very nearly un-opened book that has been mistreated.
While the details of this thread of thought are important to me, they are not pertinent for the point to be made. Let it be clear that I will not forget the things that I have done over the years, let it be known that I will forever be in debt-ed to my Wife. I love her so much. I wish I could start again our lives together and this time realize how important every detailed decision is. But I can’t. All I can do now is throw every ounce of my strength into the fight to save our marriage and way of life regardless of pain and discomfort that may appear along the way.