There is not much I can do about the past except think about it. I can think and I can think all fucking day and night about the past… wondering why? pondering how? speculating who?
There are things I can do about the future. But I have to get over the past first. I have to move beyond my unhappiness. I must move towards the light. I need to forgive. I want to forget.
While I may have been asleep before and now I am awake, I can say the shock of it all has placed me in a very strange ‘not-asleep-not-fully-awake’ place. I can’t think straight most of the time. All I have anymore, it seems, is my own head, thoughts, images, feelings.
I think I numbed myself to my life and now the Novocain has worn off. The physical discomfort is nothing compared to the mental anguish I continue to move in and out of.
I managed to make it through the entire day at work without losing it. I only called her once, at lunch time when I went for my walk. I almost felt like I had forgotten my pain. Well, its back and I am using it.
It’s a fine line between moving on and leaving it behind. I want to move on, but I am afraid if I leave it behind, I will forget it. I think it may be human nature to suppress or deny tragedy. I am living with tragedy that is not to be swept under… not to be forgotten… not to be placated… not to be diminished.
I want to use this tragedies power for good. I want to harness it, and control it. I do not want to be controlled by it as I have been. It’s made me weak. I need to be strong. I need to grab it and push it into a blackened greasy mass and squeeze it and watch it. Carefully watch it for life. When it tries to escape, I’ll fucking rip it in half and melt it together with my heat. Once it understands it has no life of its own, I will let it out on a leash. A collar of my making. A connection to it like an A’dam. Then I will work it.
I feel very angry. Angry at myself for neglecting my life. I have dreams and desires that have been neglected. They have been stepped on and pushed aside for lack of ambition. Ambition left me years ago. That is the first task for the blackened mass to assist me with. I want my ambition back.